1. •A few years ago Richard became an ordained Minister of the Cloth. At least the certificate in his possession says so, which he obtained from some dubious place on the internet. It is however, recognized under international law (supposedly), so if you’d like to be married by the author of this ‘romantic’ collection, that’ll be £50 guv, cash in hand, no receipts.
   

1. •Richard never fails to buy shoes that he has ‘issues’ with. It’s a serious problem.
   

1. •Brainteaser, the ex-Five TV gameshow, was once due to play host to Richard’s incalculable word skills. However,  he decided to completely bottle it the day of the studio recording. Illness was feigned during a telephone apology that was degrading to all concerned.
   

1. •On the topic of cross-platform media proliferation, the motion picture ‘Gladiator’ was Richard’s first and last outing on the silver screen. He appeared as a Roman soldier in the opening battle scenes with German Marcomanni and despite several vanity viewings has never been able to see himself. The 2 day shoot involved an awful lot of mud, something Richard is not good with, and he was so traumatized he vowed never to go to Hollywood, no matter how many Hob-Nobs they offered him.
   

1. •Since childhood, a plague of nicknames have rained down on our fair writer’s head. They have included Cabbage, Lummock, Bob, Mouse, Cabroncito, Ernie, Frodo and now - alas - Badger. Watch this space for unfortunate future developments.
   

1. •Richard has had the same haircut for nigh on 12 years now, mainly because he doesn’t know what else to do with it. Prior to that, it was long and henna’d, which was a mistake.
   

1. •Holidays sit very well with this particular debut author. A while ago, whilst going under the alias that is ‘Bob’, Richard was to be found swearing and sweating profusely through the Guatemalan rainforest with a friend under the instruction of a guide who:
   

- Didn’t actually know how to get to the agreed destination of El Mirador

- Hadn’t brought enough food and water

- Was the absolute spit of Cheech Marin

The story was written up in the LA Times. If you’d like to read why Richard “alternated between mumbled profanities and inarticulate screams of exhausted desperation”, please click here.

1. •Where writing is concerned, Richard has found the following quotes to be tantamount to gospel:
   

“You’ve got to be a good date for the reader.”

- Kurt Vonnegut

“The difference between the right word and the almost-right word

is the difference between the lightning and the lightning-bug.”

- Mark Twain

“The only advice I have to give a young novelist

is to fuck a really good agent.”

- John Cheever

© Richard Bardsley